Neither house nor heart can ever be too full

Sitting at home watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with the boys. This is the first time in my adult life that I've had one of these Christmas shows on television. I've never really liked them much. The boys seem to be quietly enjoying it though, and that's the important thing.

Another friend of mine may be entering the foster care world and while I'm extremely excited for her and her family, I also know how frustrating it can be, too. For her, though, she'll be getting babies so hopefully she won't have to deal with the same types of things that we had to.

Don't get me wrong. The social workers, judges, and CASA workers are all doing their very best with extremely limited resources. Despite their best efforts, there are some serious flaws in the system. That's why I was so anxious to get our kids out of the system as quickly as we possibly could.

Husband and I go back and forth quite a bit on whether we would take foster kids again or not. On some days, it's a flat out no. And others, we say that we would if we go through an agency. Still others, we say we'd do it in half a heart beat with no further thought required.

Of course, anyone that knows me also knows that if ever faced with that decision again, there wouldn't be a second thought. The kid would be in my home as fast as we could manage, no matter what hoops we had to jump through to get it done.

As I sit with my boys, (one of whom managed to successfully sneak a dog onto the couch again without me noticing), I know that all of the hoops were worth it. With my daughter in my kitchen, and the other at drill, my oldest away at Ft. Polk, and my two boys now, my heart is full and happy. There is always room for love, though. Neither house nor heart can ever be too full.

<3

As you sit with your family this evening, what thoughts run through your mind?

...Love can move mountains

The children are all snuggled in and sound asleep. That sure didn't take very long tonight! Sometimes it can be a bit of a fuss. I'll hear the boys up and playing quietly in their room, or I'll walk by and see the girls' light still on and hear them talking. Most nights, I have to turn the television up just so that I can't hear the girls talking and "sharing secrets," as all sisters should.

I love how well the children all fit together. It certainly wasn't easy at first and some days, it still isn't. For the most part though, they all just fit together as though they've always been here.

And it's often easy to forget that I did not give birth to three of these kids. It's easy to forget that they haven't been here since the dawn of time. I look into Mr. Man's face, and I swear sometimes, I can see his infant eyes gazing back up at me, looking for a connection. He's eleven, so those infant eyes have been gone for quite some time now.

And times I look at JD and can swear that I can remember him doing some odd little thing as a toddler; except that I didn't have him as a toddler. I hug Princess Pink good night and can almost think back to her tiny arms wrapped around my waist in a good night embrace.

These things never happened. I adopted these children just this year, and yet, my heart tells me otherwise. It's like this for all of the children that enter my home, whether they stay an few nights or months. And every once in a while, I have to remind myself that while they are my precious babies, in their eyes, I'm just another random adult that may or may not give up on them at any given time.

These guys might never learn to trust me, or that they are here no matter what, and that tears me up. I can see it happening in their minds where they start getting comfortable and then quickly try to self destruct to push us all away. I just have to remember what I told all three of them before they came here.

With a little bit of hope and a little bit of faith, love can move mountains.

And a strong support network! Do not forget that! Oh, I don't mean the network for myself or my husband. Building a strong foundation of community is so very important for these kids. Helping them to learn to trust adults and authority figures, while at the same time, building bridges for them, outlets for their fears and frustrations, is the single most important thing we can do. Helping them to build a connection to the community around them so that later, they know they belong somewhere in this big world, is so essential.

And just like any other parent, biological or otherwise, I often get scared and have my doubts. What if I break them even worse than when they first got here? What if I push them too hard? What if I don't push them hard enough?

With a little bit of hope and a little bit of faith, love can move mountains.

I just have to remind myself of that on a daily basis. It's something I've believed for a very long time and it repeatedly proves to be true.  Just ask my kids! But wait another ten years first. Let's help them move some mountains of their own, first!

What about you? What has been your biggest parenting challenge and how did you get past it?

Hello... Again!!!!

Well, it's been a short minute since I've last written and a lot has happened in the past year and a half. I've gone through a lot of transitions! I am renewing my vow to post daily, or to try to post daily at least.

It's been so long, and so much has happened, that I simply don't know where to start! First, I am no longer a married mother of two. I am now a married mother of five! We have been blessed by the addition of three young souls to our family. Two boys, and one girl. This is a huge transition for us.

Every morning I wake up and just listen to the sounds in the house. The boys are always up before any of us and they hit the ground running! Can't stay in bed too long because then they'll start fighting as brothers often do. By the time bedtime happens, I'm exhausted and frequently pulling my hair out in frustration, and wondering what we have done, and if we really can handle it. One or both of my girls will cuddle me for a few minutes, recharging my heart for the brief time that I'll stay awake.

My girls head off to their rooms for the evening and the quiet of the night hugs me tightly. My mind races with thoughts of the day, and of our future. Then, the fear of losing these kids grips me tightly. We're adopting these kids from the foster care system, which is extremely unstable for children. We know that nothing is done until we have the new birth certificates in hand and this strikes the biggest fear into my soul.

For all of their success and challenges, for every smile and tantrum, for every good moment and every negative one, these kids are mine. Every single day brings a new success for them. Every tantrum that they have builds trust and confidence in their stability. I'm often exhausted every afternoon and wishing Husband would get home faster, because the emotional connections have been firing all day long.

I am so happy that they are here. I never thought my family could feel more complete than it did before their arrival. I was wrong. They are my children and my heart would be empty without them.

I'll post pictures once the adoptions are final.

Getting back on track

I'm headed back up to the gym after being out for two weeks. The first week that I was out was due to illness. That second week though, that was all lack of motivation. It's hard to get up and get going again once you've dropped a positive habit for so long. This is just one reason why, for me, I need to go every single day.

It also isn't just a fitness thing for me, either. It's part of how I manage my emotional fitness as well. I live with depression, social anxiety and a number of other tiny diagnoses all of which I manage through diet and exercise. Well, when I don't go to the gym, my diet tends to go down the tube, too. It's still well in control but it isn't as good as it should be.

In addition to managing emotional and physical fitness, it's also part of my goals and part of my business. I want to be a positive reflection of what Plexus can do. And as we all know, all the supplements in the world cannot overcome lack of activity and poor habits. Dietary supplements can't do all the work, and we really shouldn't expect them to. They just get us over the hump, so to speak. The supplements make it easier to stay on track and meet our weight loss goals.

As you all are aware, I'm also going to be pursuing my personal trainer certification. I have one goal that I have to reach before I will allow myself to do that. I need to reach a BMI of 18 or less. Right now, I'm at 27 which isn't bad. This is average. I've been tunneling towards 24.9, which is "physically fit." 18 is considered athletic.

I did learn that one of the things holding me back from losing weight and gaining muscle was not getting enough protein. Sure, I eat enough protein each day for regular normal activity, but when you're as active as I was with the gym and weights, it's important to take in a bit extra after each work out, too.

Okay. I should quit stalling and head out. It's always difficult to get restarted, you know? Oh well. Fitness is as fitness does... or something like that!

Enjoy your day everyone!

Biting the Apple!

So, I will get my first iPad on Friday and I have to admit that I'm fairly excited. I never realized how well the Apple products actually worked until I did some customer service work for them some time ago. We got to use and test out some of their products. Those things are so fast and smooth! I've wanted to get an iPhone ever since.

Do you know how expensive it is to have smartphones??? I was floored yesterday. Voice and data for an iPhone would have been $110 a month. That's not including the monthly payment for the phone itself. I still want that phone but there is no way that I can afford $110 a month during my slow months. So, instead, it's the iPad, and we'll just load Skype onto that bad boy for phone capabilities. I save $50 a month that way.

I've also started selling Plexus. I honestly have no clue how I'm going to market this stuff seeing as they put so many restrictions on how you call advertise and sell it, it's almost as though the company doesn't want you to. I know that they're focused on the network marketing side, but honestly, this is a good product that deserves more attention.

I'm not one to endorse supplements or anything that markets itself towards weight loss but the Plexus Slim is effective. It boosts energy naturally, and has helped to: 1) get me on a decent sleep schedule, 2) lower my blood sugar, 3) lower my cholesterol and 4) boosts energy levels so that I'm not groggy and lazy first thing in the morning and through out the day. I don't crave my sweets nearly as much and have absolutely no desire for a soda. This one does what it claims to do.

I've been thinking a lot about family and friends from days gone by. I want to tour the country and go visit everyone. I love that my job would travel with me, so that at least isn't a concern. It's just having the money to do so that stands in the way.

I hope that everyone knows how much I love them. I'm not good at saying it or showing it but my heart is filled with only the warmest fuzzies for all of  you. I've been blessed through out my life to have each of you in it.

Well, time for me to get busy. We've had a nice long client induced vacation from work. Now that I have a plumber coming, several interviews with interns, and possibly a dental appointment, work is getting ready to boom again. :D Feast or Famine but no in between!

Missing entries?

Some of you may have noticed that the most intimate pieces of this blog seem to be missing. They aren't missing. I took them down a couple of weeks ago. I've got just a small bit more writing to do before I print and find a publisher. It's a big step for me to take, but one that I think is necessary.

Make the choice

Everybody at some point in their lives does things that they shouldn't or they make the incorrect choices. At times, we think we're doing what's best for all involved and other times, we're just holding our breath and hoping for the best.

We all have to make the choice to forgive ourselves. Nobody else can offer that forgivness. Even God himself can't cleanse our sins if we aren't willing to let go of them and hand them over to Him, right?

Here's the important part, though. Once we face our consequences, once we forgive ourselves and release our demons of guilt and self punishment, nobody else can ever use them to hurt us again.

It took me a long time to get to this point. The very first step was in me realizing that I was worthy of all good things that life had to offer. My husband worked very hard to convince me of that. Then, I had to realize that I was punishing myself. The depressions, the addictions, (cigs, sodas, computer, work, etc) was just me trying to hurt myself and crawl deep inside of myself.

Oh, for so very long, I hated me and with a passion. Every single person reflects back to the world the very things which they feel for themselves. Those who are miserable with who they are try their very best to make everyone else miserable, too. Most of the time, we don't even know what we're doing. We make targets of those around us but those targets actually represent us.

It took a very long time for me to heal, and then to forgive myself. I released my demons. It was a long, hard process and it took a ton of work. I had to start from the inside and work my way out. I had to learn to speak my feelings out loud so that they didn't overcome me. I had to learn to acknowledge when I was holding unreasonable expectations for myself or for others. I had to learn to recognize self destructive behavior and to make it stop. I worked, and I worked damned hard.

Now, I do my best to share what I've learned with others in similar situations. I can recognize a self punisher when I see one because I have been one myself. I can see when demons chase another person because those were once my demons, too. I cannot offer forgiveness because, quite simply, it isn't mine to give. Each person must be able to forgive themselves. That's a hard lesson to learn and to remember.

What I do offer is compassion and empathy. I can listen, understand and offer another viewpoint. I sure do hope, though, that nobody misinterprets that compassion and empathy as weakness. Being able to truly and sincerely offer these things is a sign of strength and peace that so many people have never felt. True empathy, true compassion means letting somebody touch your heart even for a moment. That's not weakness. That's strength.

Before I sign off for the night, I just want to give a brief reminder. Love cannot survive in any heart which holds even one ounce of anger and/or hatred. It can't. The anger and hatred quite literally suffocate every single breath of love within. But, anger and hatred cannot survive in any heart which holds and nurtures love. The heart that nurtures love is the one that forces out anger and hate.

Love is more than an emotion. It's a choice. And it's one that we have to make even when it would be easier to not do so. It's one that I choose to make daily. I will do my best to behave in a loving manner towards those who surround me. It is not for me, or anyone else, to decide if those around me deserve love. It's only my job, (and yours) to give it as needed.

Caring enough to notice

Last week, my daughter started doing one of the most stupidly dangerous things a teenager female could do. Now, I can't share with you what exactly it was simply because it would put her further at risk if she were to do it again. (Some of my readers are local to me.) 

It got me to thinking about my teenage years, and all those rebellious moments. Oh, I've had my fair share of the stupids! I think that we all have. Now some things we did just because we could. Sure, we were told not to but that didn't mean a damn thing back then. "Don't do this." Then, we would do these things solely because we were told not to. There was no rhyme or reason to it. It was just a matter of being told no.

In fact, I still have a huge rebellious streak in me to this day. When someone says I can't do something, I go ahead and do it just to prove them wrong.

But there's another side to being a teenager that many parents our age tend to forget. Sometimes, our kids will do the stupidest things just to see if we really are paying attention. It's their way of saying, "Hey mom! Do you care enough about me to figure out what I'm doing? Do you care enough about me to STOP me?" Think back long and hard. What truly stupid things did you do but really hoped someone cared enough to stop you?

For me, it was smoking. I started smoking at fourteen years old. That was my way of trying to figure out who actually gave a crap. I had many fosters that tried to be my pal. They'd share their cigs with me, offer coffee or even beer sometimes. Nobody really "laid down the law" though. Nobody said, "there is no tobacco allowed on this property." Fosters were too busy trying to be my buddy.

That was the same for social workers, case workers, nurses, psychologists, teachers, you name it. Now if had asked me at the time why I was smoking, I'd have said because I wanted to. I don't think that I fully realized the exact reason until I had teens of my own. Deep down on some subconscious level, I just wanted someone to care enough to stop me. More than twenty years later, that someone would be me.

It's sometimes difficult as parents, isn't it? We have to know when to let our kids think that they're getting away with something, when to come down hard, and when to do just the right thing in between the two. We don't have time to be our children's friend. We have to instead be moms and dads. 

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to find out what was happening. And yes, I went straight up to the school, pulled her right out of class and let her know under no uncertain terms that it was inappropriate and dangerous. I wanted her to know immediately that I care enough to be paying attention. I care enough to stop her on the spot. After all, that's all she was seeking with this particular action. She was wanting to know that her parents cared enough to put an end to it right away.

So, thinking back over the past few months with your kids, what have they done just to see if you cared enough to notice?