Late night thoughts.

This time last week, I was asking myself how I could be a better wife and a better mother. I resolved to be more patient with both my husband and my children, more giving to my husband, and to work harder to take care of the needs and wants of my family. Mothers tend to do this on a constant basis.

We take a look at our recent choices and decisions, and try to identify what we could have done better. Aftre all, we are the glue that holds the family together, we are the protectors of the children, and we set the example. What we do now is going to effect how our kids raise their children. That is a huge responsibility! Think about it for just a moment. How we treat our kids will influence how they treat their kids later. I know that it's hard to imagine our children as adults with children but that day will come.

I want my grandkids to know they are loved, safe and wanted. I want them to know that there is nothing more important than family.

Some of you may know that I lost a member of our family this past weekend. Well, he'll always be a member of the family, no matter what happens from here. We are fighting to get him back, or to at least get him into a safe place where he feels loved, safe and wanted. We're fighting to get him into an environment where he will thrive and grow.

Every day since Friday, I've looked deep into the mirror and asked myself what my motivations are. And every day, I see in my mind a little boy that cried several times a night, and woke up from nightmares constantly. I see the little boy that told me "secrets" that pained him to remember. I see the little boy that thought he had to scream and yell to get his needs tended to, and then I see the little boy that discovered manners and politeness get him so much further.

I see the little boy that he was, and the little boy that he was becoming. With each passing day, he laughed more, he was more comfortable, and we could see the light returning to his eyes more and more.

I made that little boy a promise twice in his life. I promised him that I would do my best to make sure he is safe and loved. That I would do my best to protect him at all costs.  I failed him the first time.

I truly thought his mother was ready to sprout her wings and fly. She wasn't ready, and the child suffered greatly for three years after that. This time, I can't fail him.

I think about his mother constantly as well. She is not a bad person, and I care for her greatly. The thing is, not everybody was meant to be a mother. She's great as a big sister, or as a favorite aunt, but she's not a mom. Her mind isn't wired the correct way for motherhood. She doesn't know how to put the needs of the child ahead of her desires. She doesn't understand, yet, that it isn't all about her. It's about another... it's about her child.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a great mother. I'm not even a good one. I'm okay at it. I made a LOT of mistakes in my life, especially with my oldest child. I made a lot of the same mistakes that Little Man's mom is making herself. I was lucky. I had Bill come into my life and set me back on the right track.

I tried to do this for her as well, but her world just isn't ready for that. I don't know. Maybe the anger and hatred has just grown so huge within her, that reaching in is no longer possible. I do know that she is unable to show love. I'm sure that she feels it. I'm sure that every person FEELS it. But knowing what to do with it is a different thing. Knowing how to let that emotion come to the surface is a totally different thing.

I've told her several times that she is one of my kids, and I meant it then as I do mean it now. She is still one of my kids and always will be.

See, this is one of those times when love isn't that fluffy warm fuzzy thing. When you base your decisions and choices in love, sometimes you have to do things you don't like to do in the hopes that it will help the person to realize they need to change.

I called CPS yes. I called them as much FOR the mom, as it was for the child. It was not an easy choice to make, and it isn't an easy one to stick by. Do I want for Little Man to stay here? Of course I do. But even more so, I want for the mom to get to a place emotionally where she can show real love and affection for the child. Once she can feel real love and affection for him, she will no longer put him into dangerous situations. She will be able to see the possible negative consequences of her choices that may befall him, and she will avoid them.

And if she is unable to get to that point, if Little Man isn't allowed to come home, I want for him to enter into the system now while he is still little. You see, he isn't yet four years old. He is still young enough that if Biomom can't give him what he needs, the sytem can find him a good adoptive family before it's too late.  With each passing year, the chances of him finding a forever family get smaller and smaller. The last thing that I want for him is to grow up in the system as a permanent foster chld.

I keep asking everyone to send out love to this child, to envision yourselves wrapping him in a warm, safe, loving hug. I truly believe that the power of love is strong, and can accomplish anything. For a short time this past weekend, I really questioned that.

But then, I started to see how much the love you guys are sending him IS helping.

So now, I ask of you to send the mom as much love as you are sending the child, please. Maybe, just maybe, if we all send this woman as much love as we possibly can, it will reach deep beyond those walls she built up as a child. Maybe, just maybe, we can break it down.

And please, do keep sending your love to the child! Even if we manage to reach deep inside of her, it is going to take time for her to heal. This baby boy still needs that loving, protective hug around him.

For those of you that have been, thank you so much. It means a lot to me, and to him.

I truly wish that I could wrap her up in my arms, stroke her hair gently, and let her know how hard this is for me to do. I wish that I could hold her, and see her through this. I wish that I could give her whatever it is that she needs to open her heart up. I've tried everything else. Now for that baby's sake, this is the last thing I can try. This is my last option available.

And believe me, it's an option that truly does suck. Nobody takes joy in this; least of all me.

If I could send just one message to Biomom and Little Man it would be: You are both LOVED. You are both WANTED. I want only great and wonderful things for you BOTH. I do this for both of you. Maybe one day, you will both know this.