My heart broke for the second time last October when Little Man was taken from us yet again, by his bio-mom. We fought hard to cling to him, and keep him here with us. Even now, that is what I want more than anything else.
The past day or so, as is customary with me around holidays, I took a good hard look at my life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I look at how my choices have pulled me off of my path, and I see all of the ways I have been set right again. It is through deep thought and meditation that I understand now, though it still brings tears to my eyes.
I had to fight and claw my way through so much of life that it really brought me down to my knees, crying out to the heavens above. Under the moonlight, I screamed out for my own salvation from the hell that life had become. "If you are really there, PROVE IT!" I yelled out. And a year later, my proof arrived.
And I understand now that it is because of the life I've lived that I understand the things that I do now. It is because of the love I was shown when I held nothing but hatred that I know love really does fix all things that are wrong in this world. It is because of the patience I was given when my heart was full of anger that I understand, anger accomplishes nothing. Patience lights the path. It is because of my own mis-steps that I know life is what we create for ourselves. We must all take responsibility for our lives and direct them where they need to go. It is because of my own hell, that I understand, it has a greater purpose.
I try hard to be a good mother. And when others need to hear truth, no matter how positive or negative it may be, I try to tell them what I know to be true. And every day, I try hard to understand.
I lost my faith for a while after Little Man left. I lost that faith in love, in patience, and in honesty. I lost my faith in personal responsibility. I lost my faith in the higher power that has guided me through out my life. How could I answer my son's doubts when I had them myself? How could I guide my children when my own path had darkened?
I understand now. It isn't that this wasn't the best place for Little Man, the child. It's that this wasn't the best place for Little Man, the adult. From us, he learned love, patience and kindness. He learned moderation, and to take care of his needs. He learned empathy and caring. All of the things he needed to learn for the best of his future, we did our best to teach him.
And when those lessons were learned, it was time for him to go. He has his own path to follow. His trials and tribulations started at such an early age, but they had to because they will shape the man he is to become. I have to let go, and have faith that his path will be lit for him. I have to have faith that he will not be brought down to his knees in desperation. I have to have faith that love will guide him through the lessons he is about to learn.
He is an innocent child now, but he will not be an innocent child in the future. That is the hard part to grasp. He is not being punished now for his future actions but rather, he is being guided now away from those future actions. His future life is being guided right now, right this minute. The choices he makes even as a child will affect the outcome later. I have to have faith that the same higher power, the same guardian angels that looked after and cared for me will do the same for him.
I understand. I do not like it. But I understand. And still, I send to him and his mother all of my love on a daily basis.
Maybe. Just maybe. The trials he will go through will be the very thing that brings his own mother back onto her correct path. Where I was concerned and wanted to save the one, maybe it is the two, and therefore the many, that are learning their lessons now.
I understand. But I still want him here with me, where I still feel he belongs.
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