Missing Little Man...

When we're younger, we think there is nothing worse than the loss of a favored boyfriend or girlfriend. Then, when we get older, we think there is nothing worse than to seperate from your spouse. Both things break your heart so badly. And that's not even half of what I feel now.

Granted, I did not give birth to this child, but I loved him and held him through his nightmares.  sstayed up with him when he was ill. I was his playmate when he was bored. We cuddled and read together, and we watched movies together. He loved going to the theater! No, I did not give birth to him but that does not change the fact that my heart tells me he is still my child.

This time last week, I was packing his belongings, trying as hard as I could to not cry. As I tucked him into bed, I told him what was going on and how much I loved him. He was so excited to hear that he'd be seeing his biological mother, until I told him that he would be living with her. Still, I held back the tears as he told me he wanted to stay here and why couldn't she just stay here with us like she did before.

It was so hard to explain it all to my little man in a way that he could understand and be happy about. As I gave him his last hug and kiss good night, he stroked my face and says "It's okay Mommy. I love you and will be home soon." I had to leave the room so quickly to keep him from seeing my tears.

Now, I am doing my best to move on. I forced myself to eat two meals today. Granted they were small, but I ate them. And I forced myself to do nothing but work all day long. I have enough projects going on that I can focus on somethng all day now to keep my mind off of everything.

But the night wears down, and my mind has a harder time focusing. I start wondering how he's doing. Does he have his allergy medicine? He only had about 10 days worth last week. Was he able to get more? Is it being given to him? Did he get his nose rubs when he got tucked in? Is he getting his good morning snacks, and his three times a day cuddle time? Is he comfortable when he goes to bed? Does he have his own bed? Is the bed big enough for him? Does he get to play in the bath tub for a few minutes after his bath? Is he being held tightly through his nightmares, and does he have his bottle of water next to him while he sleeps? Does he feel the hugs and the love that I send him every day?

Time to move on... I have passed this up to those who can help him. I have to have faith, and have trust, that in the end, it will all work out in his best interests. I also have to have faith, and trust that in the end, the biological mother will also be helped in the way that is in her best interests as well. My heart and my love to them both always.