In the early morningh ours, as I was halfway between sleep and the waking world, I started to have the strangest dream. In the deram, I was dying. I knew that I was dying. It wasn't "oh, you're sick and you're going to die from it." It was more "Oh, your time is coming up. On this date and time, *poof*, you're done."
Well, in the dream, the date and time came, and I was still there, alive and kicking. Suddenly, I had the sudden surge of happiness because I did not wake up dead.
Honestly, I don't know what brought the dream on. I think every person hits a spot in the middle of their lives where they start to think about life and death. They consider all that they've done, and all that they've yet to do. A sense of urgency comes to us when we hit that mid point. We get that feeling of "I have so much still that I need to get done before that big day arrives."
In my life, I've done my best to forgive when forgiveness was due. Sometimes, it's myself that needs forgiveness and sometimes it's others. I've learned that anger and hatred only weigh a person down. To allow these two emotions to overtake your life is a recipe for disaster. One may argue that you can not have love without having hatred, but they'd be wrong. Hatred is the poison that corrupts us all.
I've done my best to be a good person. I care for others, and respect the life around me. Okay, so I'm not the nicest person to have around, but I'm one of the most loyal. I don't love easily but when I do, it's with all of my heart and I never stop.
It took me nearly thirty some odd years to learn the lessons most people learn as teenagers. I know that when I go, I will leave a huge pile of debt behind me, and yet can never seem to catch up enough to pay off that debt. Maybe when I do get to the great beyond, my monetary debts will be forgiven? If I were to pass on today, there'd be so much money due.
I know that I'm not ready to go. It's not that there are things I didn't do, or say, or whatever. It's lessons that I haven't yet passed down to my children. Some lessons are too early for them to know. Others are too difficult to communicate in one or two discussions. They are things that they have to learn for themselves, with guidance.
I try hard to teach my children the benefits of hard work, and to manage your money instead of allowing money to manage you. I try to teach them that credit is NOT the good thing society tends to think it is!
I want to leave my children with a good healthy respect for the natural world. It is important that they understand the cycle of life, and our part in it. It's important for them to understand it is our purpose to take care of the world around us, and the animals within it, because that is what takes care of us. It is the world around us, and the animals within it, that help human beings to meet their needs.
I want my children to grow up and be active within their communities. They need to understand that it is self sacrifice and service to others that truly will make the world a greater place. It is also one of the stepping stones to a successful and fulfilling life as well.
There are so many more things I want to teach my children before I go, and not nearly enough space nor time to write them all down.
And then there are all of the other people around me that I love so much. Before I go, I want for Mark to find peace, quit self destructing, and to realize he is worthy of love, affection and appreciation. I want him to feel love, affection and appreciation for himself. I want for his wife to find love and peace for herself as well. They each denied themselves these things for way too long.
For Jeremy, I'd want for him to find real love, the kind that fills you deep inside with peace, trust, and truth. I want for him to realize these things don't come easily, and they aren't wrapped up in a nice neat little package. But when it's there, and you know it's there, you have to actively chase it down, wrap yourself up in it, and don't let go for any reason.
For my sweetest husband, my wonderful husband, I'd want for him to have a strong sense of family loyalty. Out of sight, should not be out of mind. I'd also want for him to learn all of the joys and beauties of the world outside of the computer. Embrace life, love and nature. It's got more 3D action packed adventure in it than any computer world ever could. It's got so much to explore, and to do, and so many quests along the way.
No, I'm not ready to go yet. I have way too much to do, to get done. The most important thing though, is that if I do go tomorrow, tonight, or three decades from now, for every single person in my life to know they are loved very much. Whether you passed through for just a moment, or were here the entire time, you changed my path in so many positive ways.
And no, I haven't left out Little Man or his Bio Mom. I think of both of them each and every single day. We see reminders of Little Man everywhere we go, and in every thing that we do. I hope that when my time comes, whenever it is, it isn't until I know he is safe, happy and will lead a happy life.
My bucket list seems to be different than the usual "Climb Mt Everest, Skydive" type lists. But then, I think everyone's bucket lists should be more focused around those they love and what they want to pass down to them rather than things to do.
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