Back to before...

Soon, everything will be back to how it was before. Before a little boy's feet pranced upon these floors. Before his eyes peered over the gate. Back to before "good morning tiiiiime!" and afternoon cuddles.

With our animal population increasing, at least temporarily, we need a lot more space in here. It's time to put the cleaning chemicals back under the sink, the knives back in their drawers (instead of from up high), and beds back in the rooms they came from. The rest of hsi toys will likely go into the shed, I guess, just so Big Bear can have the space in his room. His wall pictures will go into my dresser drawer that has been his since he left.

Even writing this now, my heart breaks all over again. I fight the tears from streaming down my face. Where is this little one's happy ending? Does he have one in sight? I have lost faith in his mother pulling an about face and getting back on the right track. I try hard to hold onto the faith that one day, he'll be home again.

When he was home, our family was complete. Before he came home, there was this big hole where he should be. That hole is even bigger now. Does she understand or realize how much we love him? We were told she had already dumped him off with someone else just shortly after getting him back. Why? Why doesn't she love him enough to feel that big gaping hole when seperated? If she felt it, she wouldn't drop him off with anyone at all.

Why do her tears not fall each day they are seperated? Why does her heart not ache as mine does now? Did my involving CPS really improve their situation, did it give her the swift kick in the ass that she needed, or did it just rush along her path to self destruction?

I know that the simple truth of the matter is one day, she will need to come back home again. She's burned her bridges with every one of her family members. Friends only last for so long in her world. Does she know, deep down, that when she does need us, we are here? That when she shows up, I'll serve up a huge helping of humble pie to us all, and finish it up with a big hug, a warm bed, and a nice meal in the morning?

The house may be returning back to how it was before, but our hearts never will. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry still. There isn't a day that goes by when we don't think of them both, and wonder how they are doing. I wake up in the middle of the night because his cry jars me awake. Only he's not there. Sometimes, I can hear his laughter vibrating through the walls. I look out on those early mornings, and swear I can see his foot prints in the dewey grass.

This is hard for me. I try hard to let go and move on. I know that's the healthy thing to do. Yet, my heart won't allow me to. Sometimes, I wish I could forget, because forgetting means the hurt stops. Yet, I know that I will never forget.

I had so much respect for her for realizing she may be a mother, but she's not a mama.

Will we one day see her, and have tears of joy fall from our eyes when we see how far she's come? Or will we one day see her, and have tears fall from our eyes because we can't force her to come home?

Every time I hear a news clip about some kid that was harmed, hurt or killed, I have to follow it up to watch and make sure it wasn't Little Man. If I put up a billboard, would it make a difference? An ad in all of the papers? Maybe a plea over television and radio? Would she come home then? Would she bring him home then?

I have done all that I can do, and yet, I still try to figure out a way to do more.

No, the house itself may return to how it was before though no matter how I try, the family never will.