Dear Uninvolved Parents

This letter goes out to all of the uninvolved parents. While it may seem more directed at males, be aware that females are often the culprits as well.

If you are an uninvolved parent, I want to make you aware of the impact you are making upon your child's life. Now, I recognize that you don't think it's such a big deal, but trust me, it is. It doesn't matter what the reason is for your non-involvement. Maybe you do live in the home, but you're too busy living your own life and doing your own thing. Maybe you live in the home, but you work all the time. Maybe you and the other parent split up, so out of sight equals out of mind. For whatever reason, you just aren't there for the other parent or for your kids.

I've lived life as a single but married parent, a single unmarried parent, and a married parent. As a single parent, both versions, I did not like my parenting role at all. I did it, yes, but it wasn't enjoyable.

I was always so stressed out. See, kids will be kids. They're supposed to test limits and boundaries. When they think they can push you further, they will. Single parents can often always be pushed further. Which means mom has the stress of constantly yelling at the kids. Kids get frustrated with always being in trouble, and constantly rebel against it.

Us parents, our kids may think we're super human, but we're not. We can't do everything, be everywhere and be everything all at one time, every single minute of every hour of every day of every year. We just can't. We need respite too. Parents without partners do not get this respite.

Also, we don't get to enjoy the benefits of having an active parenting partner. When we're sick, or seriously injured, there's nobody to cover for us. Now, you as the inactive parent may be thinking "Oh poor thing! You wanted the kid, but not the responsibility?" Or, maybe you're thinking "Oh poor baby. All you have to do is sit and take care of kids. I have to work for a living!"

Dude, raising kids IS work. Kids start having mood swings about the time that they figure out which moods present what reactions from their active parent. So, yeah, at about 2 days old, their moods are going back and forth like crazy. They're happy and joyful one second, and throwing their toys at you the next. They want to go outside and play one moment, then they want to sit on your lap and cuddle the next.

From the time they turn one until about the time they turn six or so, they also need several baths each day. Why? Kids get dirty. They're supposed to get dirty. The things those kids get dirty on really is bath worthy! After we bathe the kids each time, we also have to clean up the HUGE mess that they made inside while they were either coming in from getting dirty, or while they were making the mess inside. I kid you not, one time when my oldest was three, I went to the bathroom. I was in there thirty seconds. When I came back out, he made scrambled eggs and ketchup on my kitchen floor. He called it pudding.

Which brings me to my next point. Our kids are always "cooking" something up. Eventually, they figure out that you're not really taking a bite of that pudding they made all over your previously immaculate floor. Us non partner parents get sick a LOT.

Oh, and the cleaning! Dishes have to be done several times each day because no matter how many plates, bowls and cups you have, your kids manage to use very single last one of them! You could have 100 cups, and they will use them ALL. Laundry also has to be run many times through out the day because for some reason, kids think that they are like fashion models and MUST change clothes every ten to fifteen minutes. Our littlest one (which we hope returns to us soon) used to freak out if he even got a drop of WATER on his shirt, and just had to change right then.

Parenting is a lot of very hard work. I'm going to be honest here with you and reveal something most moms feel guilty for even thinking, let alone saying out loud. When you're by yourself in the parenting effort, it isn't fun at all. In fact, it's tiresome. We are constantly exhausted. It is very hard to find even the simplest joy in the parenting routine.

Then, when the kids have behavior issues as most kids of single parents do, we start having to work triple time to work those issues back out of the children. It's either that, or we put them on medications. We change the diet routine, we fight with the schools, we limit television. We get the kid, even as young as two years old, involved in some sort of community service. We don't get to watch what we want to watch, even after they go to bed because they may still hear it and it may trigger negative behavior the next day. We don't get to listen to the type of music we want to listen to even when they are sleeping because again, the whole trigger thing.

We spend countless hours each day doing focusing exercises with the kids. We get used to whole wheat crap. We have to work a thousand times harder at our jobs so that we can afford to buy only organic and all natural products. We have to pay four dollars more for the organic milk with no hormones or antibiotics in it because we noticed that the kid is much easier to handle this way.

Cheeseburgers are out the window. Anything with sugar is out the window. All of the things we enjoyed before kids? Gone. Just so that we can work things out with them and get them all back on the right track.

When we're without a parenting partner, parenting isn't about fun anymore it's merely about survival.

Now, I'm not sitting here and whining and complaining about how hard life is as a single parent. I'm telling you these things because they ALL effect YOUR children. Yes, that's right. This effects your kids. No matter how hard we try to keep it from happening, the oldest always has to grow up way too fast. The youngest winds up being a bit under developed emotionally. If there is a middle child, they just aren't sure where they fit in at all. The kids want more time with mom, (or dad) but mom just wants a few minutes to herself. (She never gets those!)

The kids are constantly stressed out, so they get sick much easier than other children as well. Doctor's visits cost money. Even if the partnerless parent has Medicaid, they still have to take time off of work to take the child to the doctor, and no daycare or school wants your kid there when they are sick so that's even more time off.

Kids of partnerless parents also are used to having to fight for everything they have. They get tired of always hearing no. And when I say always, I mean ALWAYS. Mom gets even more tantrums, and as kids get older, they resort to other ways to get what they desire. And it isn't always legal.

The other spectrum of that is the partnerless parent that gives their kids anything and everything the kid could possibly want, just so that they don't throw a tantrum. Those teen years get to be real... "fun."

Girls are more likely to get pregnant before they are finished high school, and they are more likely to end up in abusive relationships. They're trying to get the attention of the males in all of the wrong ways. Why? Because they didn't learn the positive ways from seeing their parents interacting positively together.

Boys are more likely to end up in the juvenile justice system and then the adult justice system. Why? Because they didn't have the positive role model constantly and consistently there to teach them how to handle disagreements, how to get what they want in positive ways, and how to effectively communicate their needs and wants. They are also more likely to abuse their girlfriends and/or wives because they didn't learn how to treat women from watching how you treat their mom.

While not all kids will go down these roads, kids of partnerless parents have a higher chance of it.

Oh, and do we need to cover drugs and alcohol? Come on now. Kids will try anything and everything they are told to NOT try. Drugs and alcohol bring a sense of pleasure to the kids even if temporarily. This is something they don't get from two active parents. The active parent is always too stressed out to provide pleasurable activities in an adequate amount. The inactive parent, well, they're inactive. So these kids, when they discover a chemical that gives them pleasure, they use it and LOTS. Kids coming from  homes with a partnerless parent have a higher chance of developing a dependency on drugs and alcohol.

Now, this is just a bit of a taste of what happens with your kids because you aren't there for either them, or their mother, or both. Let's look at the flip side.

I LOVE parenting now. It's fun, and it's fairly easy, because I have an active parenting partner. When I am stressed, he knows it's time to get the kids out of the house for a bit. If I am sick, he helps to take care of them so that I can rest. When I'm working too much to make ends meet, he reassures me those ends will still meet if I take a day off. Sometimes, I get very involved with work stuffs, and he will persuade me to take some time off.

We constantly laugh and joke and play around together both as partners, and as parents. We're constantly involved with our kids. There isn't a moment that goes by, unless they are at school or a school activity, that we're not doing something together. We do work in our field together. We clean house, (when I stomp my foot about it anyway) together. We tackle the tough chores together. We watch television together, listen to music, we even play World of Warcraft together. (When little one was here, it was Candy Land.)

When a kid does a completely bone headed thing, as all kids do, we get over it a lot faster. The punishments are much more fair. If one parent is being too strict or grouchy about it, the other parent gets the first  to realize it.

The kids also get along much better as well. They see the two adults in their lives setting the example. We don't yell and scream, so they don't either, usually. You still have the occasional yelling match, but it lasts for all of three minutes and then they're laughing and playing again. That's because they see their parents setting that example. They see their parents get mad, then get over it. They see us work it out, and not hold a grudge against each other for days on end. It also happens very rarely. They get along better with their peers, and they achieve their goals easier because they see how their parents get along together and work together to achieve goals.

Over all, they're pretty happy kids. They're also pretty healthy. They're not stressed out all of the time so they're not getting sick as often nor as easily. They don't make messes just for the attention they receive when they displease a parent. They instead help out with cleaning up so they get more time playing with their parents. Parents are more well rested, and want to spend time with the kids more.

In fact, the difference is night and day. I used to look at the clock and go "crud! Kids will be home soon." Now, I miss my kids while they're not home. Immensely. It's not because I was a bad parent before. I wasn't. I did the best that I could. But when your a partnerless parent, the best you can do is most often just not good enough!

Look, even if you guys are divorced, you can still be an active parent and an active parenting partner. There is no reason you guys can't get together once a week for a family dinner. There is no reason why you can't get together every two weeks to go and do something fun together as an entire family. You guys are still a family and will always be one for as long as you have children together.

Let's face it. You liked each other enough to sleep together at least one time. You created the child with the other parent. So you must have liked each other at least a tiny bit. So, find a way to get along and still work as a family even if you are under seperate roofs. When one is sick, the other takes over for a while. When one is stressed, the other comes to help out. When there are major chores to be done, then both parents work together to get them done.

Once that child is born, you guys become a team. It is important to function together as a team. Your children will be MUCH happier for it!

And before I sign this off, I want to address just one more excuse that I know is going to come up. "But I live too far away from the other parent and the kids to take an active role in their lives." Hello. Ever heard of the Internet? You're on it now.

Video conferencing, as well as social games such as Second Life, and other games as well, allow you guys to still be an active family, and active parenting partners, even if one is clear across the other world. There are even applications you can install to your computers that allow you to watch the same movies together. Skype is a great program. No reason why both parents can't set up a computer and a webcam near the dinner table so that you guys can all enjoy a weekly dinner together!

Put the excuses away. You have plenty of time for making excuses once the kids are grown, and have become happy, healthy, well functioning adults. Until then, team up. Tackle parenting together. Be the family that you are.

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This rant brought on by the simple realization that life is so much different now than it was back then. My kids are so much happier now than they were then. And, they're more well adjusted now than they were then. An active parenting partner made ALL the difference in the world.

If you know an inactive parent that needs to read this so that they can grasp the consequences to their children's lives, please, pass it on. If you are an inactive parent--- stop that! Your kids, and their active parent, need YOU!