Just about anybody that talks to me for more than ten minutes winds up hearing me brag about my kids. I've got my oldest who is in AFJROTC, Boy Scouts, soccer, and also does his volunteer work every summer. To top that off, he's also an honor roll student doing the best he can to go to college on a full ride scholarship.
There's my second, a girl, who is an honor roll student, in Honors Choir, and is getting ready to start Martial Arts classes as well.
Then my youngest, who is with his biological mother, and he has the biggest heart and the brightest smile I had ever seen.
All three of the kids always got compliments about how well behaved they are. Respectful, kind, caring, giving, etc. I could take these kids anywhere and know they'd be able to handle any situation with style and grace.
Recently, we've been getting some complaints about our oldest. He's been getting mouthy quite a bit apparently. We've noticed a slight change in tone at home but it wasn't anything major, just enough for us to tell him to watch it. Now, granted, most of the people complaining also aren't the best of examples either. And I've knocked them down a peg or two each time they've over stepped, just as I've done with him.
Even so, I'm one that believes a person should be able to always remain consitently respectful and considerate, in control of themselves, at all times no matter what the other party is behaving like. You command respect in this way. So, Friday I asked Bear what the change was. He would, after all, know better than I would as to what caused the shift in behavior.
He tells me, "Mom, I'm in 10th grade now and I'm growing up." So wait, being older means behaving like an ass to others? "Well, no... I just meant.... well, I think I'm going through those teen year growing pains!" Honey and I had to sit and think hard together as to what is going on.
Then, later, he mouthed off and a few minutes later, asked for something and we said yes. I looked at Honey. He looked at me. And I suddenly realized what was wrong.
In my zeal to constantly reward my kids for great grades and behavior, I had been saying yes so often, that the oldest just started taking it for granted that the answer would always be yes. When he said the problem was that he's getting older, he was right. In his mind because he's older he gets to hear yes all the time. It's automatic. He's growing up and so he deserves to have what he wants. So when a teacher tells him no, or corrects him when he's doing what he wants instead of what he should, in his mind he believes that authority figure is being unfair.
And out pops the attitude.
So now we're practicing how to say 'no.' It's hard. I love saying yes to my kids. I love to give them stuff they want, especially when they've got great grades and they are behaving that day. But when we always say yes, then they forget to keep reaching for those goals. They don't learn to constantly strive to be better. Hit the 'yes' stage, then stay there. They start slipping and we, as parents, say "yanno, it was just this one time. It's not really a bit deal. I won't make a case of it."
It starts to become a bigger and bigger deal and we're in the habit of saying yes so much that we don't realize we should be saying NO right now. Growing up, I was told a parent should ALWAYS say no more often then they say yes. Since I was still a child at the time, I felt that ws incredibly unfair. It seemed to me that if they really wanted the kid to be happy, they'd say yes more often than no.
Now I understand that it doesn't teach the kid to work for anything, or the benefits of rewards if we always say yes. They grow to feel a sense of entitlement.
So now, Brother has an 8 oclock bedtime, and a 9 oclock light's out time. (It was 9 and 10 respectively.) No computer during the week at all, unless it's for homework. Weekends, he gets only 3 hours of computer time total, and has to earn more. He has to earn treats such as sodas, or raiding the snack cabinet. He's been hearing 'no' a lot more this past weekend and he isn't quite happy about it.
There is nothing though, like him yelling out "SCORE!!!!" when we finally do say yes. :D We're headed back to the right road again. I just have to remember, no matter how well he behaves, to always say no more often than yes.
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