Useless Rambling

Here in a few days, my husband will be going out of town to attend to his son's graduation. No, I'm not saying exactly when. After all, I don't want all of you Internet stalkers (you know who you are!) to know when it will be just me and the kids in the house!

All kidding aside, this is a pretty major thing for me. It has been a very long time since I've had the house all to myself. I remember when he first came to live out here, I had an extremely difficult time adjusting. I gave him maybe six inches in my closet to hide  put his clothes in. He also had his dresser, and that was about as much room as I gave him in my bedroom. Learning to share the bed again was extremely hard.

After a while, I relented and got him his very own desk also, which was kept downstairs. A while later, I finally got him his chair. Now, if it weren't for these few things, you wouldn't realize he was there at all. I wasn't very good with sharing my living space.

I was like that with my heart too. I gave him a very small space in it, and that's all he was going to get! Or at least, that's what I told myself. The adjustment took time, and a lot of it.

Of course now, it seems almost as though he's always been here. So, I look at the calendar with a bit of dread. Two and a half days all on my own, by myself. I won't have a car, so anywhere we go will be by foot. But it's not like I haven't been there before!

I don't know. Part of me is afraid that once he goes, he won't come back. Talk about being insecure! At the same time, this is his son's graduation. He has to go. The boy will be too disappointed if his own father doesn't show up. That still doesn't ease the fear though, no matter how irrational that it is, that he won't return again.

Could I make it without him? Well yeah. Even with losing one of my jobs, we'd still be okay. Granted, things will be tight, but we'd be okay. That doesn't mean however, that I want to make it without him. I never thought that I'd want someone in my life as much as I want him in it.

Life is kinda surprising that way, isn't it? Somehow, what we think we want turns out to not be what we want at all. Then, once we finally realize what it is that we do want, we live with this irrational fear that we'd lose it.