So Here Goes Nothing

Emotions and insecurities are pretty powerful things. If we allow them to run rampant, they can simply take over and become a major controlling actor in our lives. I learned a long time ago though, that once we give voice to our emotions and to our insecurities, no matter how irrational or insane they may be, we take all power away from them. It's like ripping the band-aid off.

You'd be surprised just how quickly a potential arguement fizzles out once you say out loud, "I am angry! I don't know why I'm feeling so aggressive today, but I am!" Come on now, we've all done it. We've been in very pissy moods and weren't sure why. So to make sense of it in our own minds, we find reasons to be so pissy. Husband leaves toilet seat up. Wife's eggs are a bit too runny. Kids are being a bit too loud. You know. The people around you are being humans so it's a justification for the mood you're in. Then, we get to go on the war path. But once you tell the people around you, "I'm angy and don't know why. I just am." well, it takes the fire right out of it.

Or at least, that's how it works here in this house.

My regular readers know that I am very much into the whole 'family' thing. The way I see it, just about every single thing in this world can be taken from you. In the end, the only thing that you have of any real value is your family. Now for the past 16 years, that family for me has consisted of me and my kids. When I got married, it was me, my husband and my kids.

But see, my husband has this whole entire side of his family that I don't know very well. That's my fault. His parents have reached out to me, but I'm a bit akward when it comes to interacting with other people, so I haven't quite responded very well. He has two beautiful boys and I was always too afraid of being seen as the over crowding person, being too invasive, so I figured if they wanted to know me, they'd come to me.

That's pretty irrational, isn't it? I mean, these are kids. It isn't the kids that should make the step forward, it's the adults. Yes, I know that and yet, it is my own insecurities that has kept me from reaching out. I hold children as the greatest treasures of every family and yet, my own doubts made me stay at the side lines. Wow. Talk about hypocritical, huh?

So forgive me, but this is going to be a long post. Follow along if you wish, or don't. It's up to you. Right here, right now, I'm going to give voice to my doubts, my insecurities, and my emotions. I am going to take their power away from them and give it back to me.

1) Pictures. My husband has asked many times why I don't like having pictures taken of me. I have a pretty decent sense of self image, so it isn't that I think I'm fat, or that I'm ugly, etc. It's more that I am afraid a person can look at my picture, and can see the darker parts of me that once existed. I'm afraid that they will see the anger and hatred that used to rage deep within, instead of the love and the peace that I have now found. Oh, and I'm also afraid they'll see I need to visit a dentist though I don't have the money for it. Which points to my lack of money. Lack of money often indicates a lack of motivation. Which isn't rational in my case because it is the lack of money that motivates me to be better, to do better, to give my children better.

2) Talking. Okay we all talk. But I mean, talking to others, letting them in, etc. See, I'm afraid that I'll say something wrong, or I'll express a part of myself that won't be much liked, or that I'll offend somebody else. Now with most people, it doesn't matter. I am abrasive sometimes, and am not very good with tact. I tend to say what I'm thinking. Sometimes, it doesn't come across the right way, or correctly express what I'm thinking or feeling at the time. So I'm afraid that with these people, who are pretty important to my husband and I, that I will misrepresent myself and my little family in a way that can not be over come.

3) "They won't like me!" Okay, come on now. We've all had that fear, whether it was when we first met our intended's family, or for some of us, even now! Yes, I know it isn't rational, but the thought line goes something like this. "They won't like me, and they'll tell my spouse to leave me. The spouse will realize what a mistake it was to be with me and will go running quickly for the door. Then, I'll have nobody again." Of course, our spouses can tell us until they are blue in the face that this is not something that will happen. They are here for the long term, no matter what, and aren't going anywhere whether the family likes us or not. But somewhere deep down, we still have that deep irrational fear. It's the fear that stops many from developing long lasting relationships with "the other side of the family."

4) My background. Come on, my background scares even me sometimes! I have been almost everything, except for a drug addict or prostitute, that parents don't want for their children! I have been homeless. I have suffered mental illness so great, that it drove me to suicidal tendencies. I was a foster kid. I was so dirt broke, that to survive, I often had to steal to provide for my children. I haven't ever invested much into that thing called a "credit rating." My work history, until the past few years, has been spotty at best. I did not finish high school but got a GED. I did not finish college, but did find a lot of great excuses. My first marriage was a big old bust. I'm not good at making connections with other people. In the past, I have been violent. I still have the potential for great violence, but it is the love that is around me that keeps that potential very minimal. If my kids were to bring home someone with a past like mine, I'd cry and wonder where I went wrong with them!  I have a very hard time remembering that these things are my past, and not my present or my future.

5) His boys. Yes, irrational or not, unreasonable or not, I have a fear of his boys. No, I don't believe that they are going to do anything intentionally to cause physical or emotional harm. My first husband had children too. His oldest hated me with a passion. Still hates me with a passion. His youngest, well, time and lack of communication, he doesn't like me either. Yes, I realize that it is different now. I am a different person. Back then, I was still a child myself, playing in an adult world. Could I have done things differently? Looking back, yes. But back then, no. Back then, I didn't know there was a 'differently' to it! Back then, I had these ideological views and just knew that I was right. So yes, I have the slight fear of his boys, or rather, of his boys seeing me as "the evil step parent!"

6) My house. I don't like letting people into my house. To me, my house is one of the most private and intimate reflections of the family. You can tell so much about the family and what they hold as their values by looking through the house. Even just a glance can give off so much. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the house is a window into the family's soul.

In this house, we have four cats, three dogs, two children and two adults. This house is never "clean." Even when we go through and make the place spotless, within ten minutes, it's messy again. There is constantly traces of fur and kitty litter on the floor, no matter how often you may sweep and vaccuum. Dishes are always in the sink, on the table, on the counters in the kitchen. The couches are old, and worn by time, children and animals. Even the covers we bought for them are looking raggedy themselves. And of course, cleanliness is subjective as well. While I may see a room as tidy, someone else may come in and see it repulsive.

The house is the safe zone of a family. Allowing someone else into that safe zone is a scary thing for me to do. In my safe zone, I can control everything within it. Unless I bring someone else into that safe zone that may attempt to take my control away. Yes, I am a control freak. Another thing that may be a positive or a negative.

Even just sending pictures of the safe zone scares me because again, it is a reflection of those within the house. Will they see the flower my husband gave me sitting on top of our cupboards as a dead rose? Or will they see it as a reflection of my husband's love for me, a reminder that he isn't going anywhere, as I see it? Will they see the lighter fluid sitting out as a sign of being too lazy to put it away, or as a way to keep it easy to find so that I can go out and start the grill up for a cookout? Will they see the clutter upon my husband's desk as clutter and messiness, or will they see it as a sign of him being comfortable in his surroundings?

7) Family interactions. We aren't the typical family over here. Much of our day would make some really great scenes in some really bad sitcoms. We laugh, we tease, we joke around. To somebody on the outside looking in, they may not see a true reflection. Or at least, that's my fear. They'll hear me yell "Oh YUCK!" when I catch a finger about to go up somebody's nose, or they'll hear one of the kids go "Oooops!" when they fart, (followed by excuse me after) or they'll see food flying, sometimes literally, when we're at the table. They'll see us throwing food to each other to put into the shopping cart at the store, or pillow fights in the middle of Wal Mart. It's been a really long tme since we've had a good whipped cream and marshmellow fight! We play games when we go out to dinner and are waiting to be served. I mean, actual games like Uno and Sorry. We play World of Warcraft together. We tease our favorite waitstaff. "That's what she said" is a habit we're all trying to break!

8) Strays. My ex husband used to say that I would take in stray anythings, and he was right. I've taken in stray cats, birds, dogs, cows, horses, and even humans. The only type of stray that I don't think we'll ever see here is stray fish. Sometimes, it's not sane and doesn't make much sense, but there it is. I tend to take in strays.

9) My heart. It takes me a long time, but once I'm there, I'm there. I love totally and completely. There is no half way. There is no partially. It's difficult to explain this part of my thinking here, just because it is more emotional than it is verbal. There was a time when all that was deep within, was anger, rage and hatred. There were a lot of walls that were built up, way up high. What if some of the remnants of those walls can still be seen? I don't know. This one is hard to give voice to. Maybe another time, I will be better at it.

10) My health. I'm not the healthiest of people, and I know it. I am trying to fix it, as best as I can but I still don't like others knowing that I'm not healthy. I hope and pray that I am not seriously ill, but after years of inactivity, smoking, and not taking proper care of myself, I am scared that well, that I'm not well. This is one of those fears that I don't like others knowing about me because I know it's not rational, I know it's not sane, and yet it is there anyway.

It's odd sometimes because I have all of these different thoughts running through my mind and yet when I go to voice them or write them down, so many of them disappear. I am far from perfect. Everybody though is far from perfect. It is important for me to remember that. I have a past, just as everybody does. I also have a future as well.

One step at a time. Just one teeny, tiny step, at a time. I don't know that these insecurities will go away, but by giving them a voice, by letting others know that they are there, I take their power away from them. By giving them a voice, I allow anyone who reads this to get to know me a bit better and get just a bit more of a sense of who I am.