The Marital Challenge

I've been debating on whether I want to write this for a while now. I'll at least type it out and maybe I'll publish it. I'm not sure yet. See, the topic is marriage and it's a bit of a touchy one.

Everybody has their own idea of what marriage is and what it should be like. All too often, marriage doesn't live up to our hopes and dreams and we walk. Walking away from it these days is so much easier, and even more socially acceptable, than it is to stick around and hammer it out. Every person that hears of a couple that has been married for 40, 50 or 60 years is amazed at the success of their marriage. They question how they stayed married for oh so very long. Here's the answer to that question. They didn't walk away!

When we stand before that priest or that judge and we say "I do," our eyes are filled with hope and wonder. Our hearts are filled with love and commitment. Sure, we may be a bit nervous but we just know deep in our bones that everything is going to go our way from here on out!

That's not how marriage goes though. People mess up. We do some pretty horrible things to each other. We cheat. We lie. We cover up.We yell. We scream. We say terrible things. We're mean sometimes. "Yeah, but Dana, you shouldn't be like that with someone you LOVE." Yeah well, the Bible says we shouldn't do a whole lot of things people do every single day, right? And yet even the Bible promises that we will still be loved if we only admit to our sins and try our best to not repeat them.

I'm not much of one for organized religion here but there is a great lesson in that which can be applied to marriage as well. How often do we as humans reject the notion of God and even push God away from us? And yet, aren't we told that no matter how much we push, he is still there for us? That's what marriage is too. No matter how much you push, your spouse is still there for you. No matter how badly you screw up, your spouse is still making the choice to love you even when you are at your most unlovable!

Wow. That's pretty big, isn't it? Making the choice to love you... That's what those marriage vows say. For better or for worse, I will choose to love you and stand by your side until you finally pull your head out of your ass and remember to EARN that love!

It's easy to walk away either physically or emotionally. In doing so though you are doing yourself, your spouse, and your family a great injustice. I want to issue you a challenge. Before you make that choice to walk, for one entire year, every single day, do something for your spouse to remind them of the person they fell in love with. Every single day, but it has to be something different each day. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

Make a cd of their favorite songs.
Put a picture of the two of you in your early days in with their money so they find it the next day.
Hand paint or draw their favorite flower and leave it upon the pillow. (If you aren't artistic, take a photo)
Buy some clay over at Hobby Lobby, and make stuff together.
Work on a family project together.
Set up the table out on the front porch for a candle lit dinner
Learn how to prepare their favorite dessert and make it for them.
Leave a love note tucked in their pocket/purse
Make a road sign (like the garage sale signs you often see on Saturdays) that says simply "I love you ______!" And put one at every street corner for five blocks leading to your house.
Get a video recorder and record a tv show "the reasons i love my wife/husband" and put it up on YouTube. Forward the url to your spouse while you're out at work for the day.

The day you got married you thought you two would be happy and in love forever. The reality is that while you can still be happy, marriage is a cycle of times when you are in love and when you choose to love each other even if you aren't in love. Half of the time, you'll be working to fall in love again.

So when is it acceptable to walk? If your spouse hits you, walk away. If your spouse suffers an addiction that changes them or puts your family at harm physically or financially, walk away. If your spouse rapes you, walk away. If your spouse neglects the needs of the family as a whole, walk away. That last one though is only utilitized after you've put forth the effort to get them to contribute.

For any other reason, if they cheated on you, if you or they fell out of love, if you guys argue, if either of you believes you love someone else, whatever the reason other than what is specifically listed above, stick it out at least one more year. And for one year, live up to the challenge. If after one year things have not improved, then and only then should you be ready to say good bye.