I should be working. In fact, I know that I should be working right now. And in a few minutes, I will be. I just have so many thoughts going through my mind all at once, that they have to get written down or they'll be forgotten.
I've already written one very lengthy Facebook post about racism and politics not mixing. I then decided it was best to just make that one a very private post as it did get a bit personal. I try not to do personal on Facebook.
Sure, this blog gets a bit personal sometimes, but there are so few readers, I can get away with it!
Recently, I went on a trip. We went to South Carolina to watch my son graduate from basic training (National Guard) and take him to AIT. While I was there, I was given an opportunity to revisit the past. It was one that I will cherish forever.
Teenagers don't know. I mean, teens live in the here and now. They say "this hurts" and just want that to stop. They will do whatever they can, however they can, to make things better. All kids are like that. They don't look towards the future consequences because, they can't see the future. I know this because, believe it or not, I once was a teenager.
I have to say that I don't regret anything I've done as a child, teen and young adult. I can't have any regrets because I have such wonderful blessings now. I have two very well rounded, hard working children that will have such a positive impact upon the world. I have a fantastic husband that knows me better than I know myself. I have a gorgeous house that needs a small bit of work. I have animals that I trust and which trust me. And, best of all, I broke a cycle of abuse that never should have existed to begin with. My children did not know abuse or neglect and because of this, neither will theirs.
So no, I can't say that I have any regrets but I can say that I am sorry I broke so many hearts in the process, including my own.
Last week was very confusing for me and I'm trying to sort it all out now. At the same time it was, I know that this isn't a word but it's the only thing I can think of to describe it; at the same time it was heartening. I hope that the word makes as much sense in your mind as it does mine and that it brings forth the same thoughts and emotions.
It's funny, because nobody looked any different than they did 20 some-odd years ago. It was as though only a moment had passed and not decades. In fact, when B. (I don't use full names online) had said there were four elderly people living in the house, I knew of two (her parents) but was wondering when I would meet the others. It wasn't until some old photos were pulled out later that I noticed we all had grown a bit older.
I'm sad, but I'm happy, too. I guess this is what they mean by bitter sweet, huh? I can't explain the sadness. I don't know where it comes from, just that it's there.
I can say that this is something that needed to happen. We all needed to heal.
Oh, and the memories that came forth! You wouldn't believe! On the way home, I saw an Elvis Presley statue and suddenly remembered standing in his plane at Graceland. We went through an old house in New Orleans, and I saw a pedestal sink, and I remembered breaking one in Tennessee. I remembered the chill in the air in Maryland. The Big Bad Wolf ride at Knotsberry Farm. I was so scared to get on it, but after I rode it once, you couldn't get me off again. I remembered trying so hard to not touch the canvas on the sides of the camper because I didn't want the oil in my hands to cause the camper to leak. Sitting at the front of the boat as it went quickly across the water, or sitting on the riding toys (I forget what they're called) as the boat pulled us. Oh, I was going to get that boating license one way or the other!
The first snowflakes each year in MD and how I'd still be in my shorts when they came down but that didn't matter. I loved snow, and the cold! Why do I dislike it so much now? A bonfire in the middle of the woods when I played hooky from school one day.
I was a teenager, and I did teenagerish things! I blasted my stereo in my room. (The room was pink and grey. Yes, I was a girly teenager at well!) I slammed doors when I was upset. I was broken hearted when Tim dumped me because I was making him work for that first kiss. And Marty never looked at me again after I kicked him in the groin as hard as I could because he didn't know what the word "no" meant. Yep. I brought the high school wrestling champion to his knees. Apparently, no other girl had told him no before. Ooops.
All of these old memories coming back. It's wonderful to see these things and sad too. Because even as I relive those moments now, I still know that they have passed and will not return. I'll get it all sorted though. Everything comes out in the wash.
Anyway, I do need to get to work now. I just wanted to get these ramblings down. All of last week was one giant unexpected blessing. I will be posting pics and videos soon. I just have to get them sorted out is all. I regret that I forgot to get pictures of the kids with everyone, though. Hopefully, we can fix that soon.
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