Make the choice

Everybody at some point in their lives does things that they shouldn't or they make the incorrect choices. At times, we think we're doing what's best for all involved and other times, we're just holding our breath and hoping for the best.

We all have to make the choice to forgive ourselves. Nobody else can offer that forgivness. Even God himself can't cleanse our sins if we aren't willing to let go of them and hand them over to Him, right?

Here's the important part, though. Once we face our consequences, once we forgive ourselves and release our demons of guilt and self punishment, nobody else can ever use them to hurt us again.

It took me a long time to get to this point. The very first step was in me realizing that I was worthy of all good things that life had to offer. My husband worked very hard to convince me of that. Then, I had to realize that I was punishing myself. The depressions, the addictions, (cigs, sodas, computer, work, etc) was just me trying to hurt myself and crawl deep inside of myself.

Oh, for so very long, I hated me and with a passion. Every single person reflects back to the world the very things which they feel for themselves. Those who are miserable with who they are try their very best to make everyone else miserable, too. Most of the time, we don't even know what we're doing. We make targets of those around us but those targets actually represent us.

It took a very long time for me to heal, and then to forgive myself. I released my demons. It was a long, hard process and it took a ton of work. I had to start from the inside and work my way out. I had to learn to speak my feelings out loud so that they didn't overcome me. I had to learn to acknowledge when I was holding unreasonable expectations for myself or for others. I had to learn to recognize self destructive behavior and to make it stop. I worked, and I worked damned hard.

Now, I do my best to share what I've learned with others in similar situations. I can recognize a self punisher when I see one because I have been one myself. I can see when demons chase another person because those were once my demons, too. I cannot offer forgiveness because, quite simply, it isn't mine to give. Each person must be able to forgive themselves. That's a hard lesson to learn and to remember.

What I do offer is compassion and empathy. I can listen, understand and offer another viewpoint. I sure do hope, though, that nobody misinterprets that compassion and empathy as weakness. Being able to truly and sincerely offer these things is a sign of strength and peace that so many people have never felt. True empathy, true compassion means letting somebody touch your heart even for a moment. That's not weakness. That's strength.

Before I sign off for the night, I just want to give a brief reminder. Love cannot survive in any heart which holds even one ounce of anger and/or hatred. It can't. The anger and hatred quite literally suffocate every single breath of love within. But, anger and hatred cannot survive in any heart which holds and nurtures love. The heart that nurtures love is the one that forces out anger and hate.

Love is more than an emotion. It's a choice. And it's one that we have to make even when it would be easier to not do so. It's one that I choose to make daily. I will do my best to behave in a loving manner towards those who surround me. It is not for me, or anyone else, to decide if those around me deserve love. It's only my job, (and yours) to give it as needed.