Another Year Gone By....

I don't keep much of my life, especially my adult life, a big secret. I often share it openly in the hopes that I may be able to help just one person see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it's a bit egotistical to think that my life may be able to assist someone else's, but that's how it is. If you're one that gets uncomfortable when things get personal, please stop reading now. (Hey, I gave fair warning!)

By the time that I had reached adulthood, my heart had been broken, beaten and shattered so many times that it quite literally just shut down. I got to a point where I could feel nothing. I used to say I felt anger and hatred, but really I didn't even feel that. Well no, I can't say that because I did feel anger and hatred, but for myself.

In my mind, the world was going to do nothing but fuck me over so I was on a mission to fuck the world over first. Looking back at that time in my life, it is so hard to believe that it really was me. I was a "stray".

I bet there's one heck of a confused look upon your face now. When you think of strays, you probably think of those kittens and puppies that your kids bring home with them. You've probably never thought of a person as a stray, and yet they are all around us. When it comes to people, a stray is more than someone without a home, it's someone whose heart is so damaged, it shuts down or is coming close to shutting down. A stray can't feel love, and don't know what it is. When love starts pushing it's way through, that person does everything they possibly can to avoid it.

I'm sure there's some psychological term for a mental illness that has these symptoms, but I'm gonna tell you a secret. Most of those "mental illnesses" come down to one little thing. The heart. The emotional center of ones being. There are very few that truly need medication, hopsitalization, etc. But, that's another topic for another time, I guess.

Anyway, by the time I was in my mid twenties, my own self loathing was so horrible that I had tried to kill myself several times. I self destructed at every turn in the road. Then, when I would start to get my life together again, life itself would just knock me right back down. It was a horrible cycle. Life knock me down, I keep myself down, I start to get up again, and life knocks me back down again. I truly was a victim of circumstance many times; though looking back, I created most of those circumstances with my own bad choices.

I was homeless with my son, who was then a toddler. I can't even begin to tell you what that was like. To say that it was like living in your worst nightmare is an understatement. Living under a bridge in the town, a small bridge at that, and digging through trash for food for your kid because nobody will hire you... I can tel you from first hand experience here that once you are homeless, there is very little slim chances that you will get back up again. society itself just doesn't allow it.

By this time, I had completely shut down and shut out everything. The only thing that I knew for certain was that I was worthless. I was a worthless parent, and a worthless person. I was so worthless, I wasn't even worthy of having a place to call home! I was lucky that life allowed me to dig through those trash cans in fact.

Then something truly amazing happened. No, I didn't find God, or the church, or anything religious like that. No. I found something a thousand times better; or rather, it found me.

Love. No, I don't mean that romanticized squishy love; or the hearts and flowers giddiness type either. Real, true unbending, unyielding love found me.

I tell this history often. My son and I were on our way to Wal Mart. It was an extremely hot day and only was becoming hotter. On these days, we stayed inside. At the time, Wal Mart had a little snack bar, so we'd just sit in there all day until it was cool enough to be back outside again. We past by the gas station we used to go into each day, back when we were living in the hotel. Now the owner and I used to strike up a conversation every once in a while. We were on friendly terms.

He sees my son carrying his blanket on a day when it is over 100 degrees outside. He doesn't notice the layers of clothing, or if he did, he said nothing about it. Instead, he asks why my baby bear had his blanket on such a hot day. I tell him quite honestly that we've been living under a bridge for a long time now and were on our way to Wal Mart to get out of the heat. He tells us to return in a couple of hours, and has one of his mechanics take us up to the store.

A couple of hours pass, and then a few more. By the time we left the store it was after 8 at night. Guy was packing up for the night and heading home when we finally passed by. Looking back, I can say it was probably that self destructiveness quality that kept me gone for so long, though my excuse back then was it was just too hot to be out.

He chided me for being late, then handed me an address. After a twenty minute walk, I arrived. I don't even think that I got to the door as a young girl met me as I was walking up to the long driveway. She was young, only nineteen at the time, and with a newborn child of her own. She fed us, and we took a shower then laid my baby bear down to sleep. It had been so long since he had slept in a house and not outside, that he wasn't quite sure what to do.

But he did fall asleep fast, thankfully. Soon after, Bill showed up. Bill told me that this used to be his mother's house. She had passed away recently, and he needed people to live in the house and take care of it. In return, we would have everything that we needed, and some of what he wanted. I didn't trust, and made it clear there would be NO sex in return. He didn't want sex though. He had one condition.

He wanted family. I balked at the idea at first and told him there was no such thing as family; there was no such thing as love. He told me to just pretend then.

That night, we went grocery shopping. The next day, this man shows up before the sun has even awakened and tells us it's time to get up and go. We were going to spend a day together, as a family, out at the river. I laughed wryly and told him I wasn't going anywhere but back to sleep. He gives me this look that lets me know that was the wrong answer. He tells me we're going if he has to drag us.

Half an hour later, we're getting in the car and he asks where my bathing suit is, and I tell him I don't have one. He asks where my shoes are, and again, I don't have any. A trip back up to Wal Mart ensued. I still have that bathing suit, though I've long since outgrown it. I hold onto it as a reminder.

Every day of that summer was spent out at the river. Baby Bear and I wanted for nothing. We were fed, clothed, and most importantly, loved.

Bill taught me something that year. I don't know if it was his intention or not. He taught me that where there is one ounce of hatred within a heart, love can not exist. The two just do not play well together at all. But, once one little seed of love is planted, it grows and forces out every single ounce of hatred that there is.

I'd love to tell you that this was the end of my troubles, but it wasn't. But, Bill planted a seed. He taught me what family was, and he taught me not just what love is, but HOW to love. Over the course of many years, that little seed grew and grew, so that when my husband found me, my heart didn't avoid him, but rather leapt out at him faster than anything.

It was because of Bill that I saw the love within my husband and was able to respond. It is because of Bill that I am able to love my children today. Because of Bill that I am able to love myself, and others. It is because of Bill that I allow no hatred within this heart at all.

You see, Bill planted that seed and quite literally saved my life. It is because of Bill that I am here to celebrate my birthday today.

There are way too many strays in this world. I am sure, if you were to just glance around as you do your daily errands, you'll see many of them. I ask you for one birthday gift today.

Plant a seed. The most important seed ever.