We all do it, I'm sure. We're bored off of our keisters so we type a random name from someone in our past into the search bar. Sometimes, we actually find that person.
Their display photo either makes it look like they never changed, or they are totally different than how they were way back then. Only something in the eyes reveals that the person you once knew is deep down inside. You don't reach out because frankly, what would you say? "Hi. We hung out at this one place for a while. Remember me?" Or even, "Hey, we dated once a long time ago. It's great to see you've done so well in your life."
Then we talk about our spouses, our jobs, our children and how great life is. The next day, there may be a smile upon our face over sharing past memories but then we come to the sad realization that it is only past memories. No. Most of the time we don't reach out to say hi quite simply because we know the past is the past. Only our future lays ahead. Our past can't be part of our future just as our future isn't part of our past.
So from there, we "friend surf." We think, "gee, I wonder if he/she knows so and so" and we look through the friends list. We see more familiar faces. Some are fleeting memories. Their nicknames are on the tip of our tongues, but we just can't bring them up. Or we see a profile photo and say to ourselves, "I know her... but from where?'
Slowly we are reminded of a time when we were younger, more attractive people. We knew we had the world at our feet, and we owned the world! Nothing was going to hold us back or stomp us down. Oh... the beauty of youth!
We sit and we're reminded of the days when our dreams and fantasies were more than that; they were promises we were making to ourselves. We daydream about sitting on cars before asking permission, skating rings, and dance parties. For a few moments, we can close our eyes and remember the big heart shaped balloon that floated to the sky, much to our own dismay. For a moment, we can feel the weight of the world sitting upon our young teenage shoulders as we try to make the best choices for those we love.
Then reality comes back to us and we are fully back into our adult skin. We look around at everything that we have, and let out a small sigh. We think about life, and how far we have traveled upon some treacherous roads. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't change a single thing.
Yes, I made some bad choices. Many of which, I felt at the time, were for the best of reasons. They were still bad choices though. We've had our hearts broken and we've broken our fair share of hearts, whether we intended to or not.
The trecherous roads we've travelled brought us many blessings that we never expected we'd have when we were younger. Just as today we look back at yesterday with fond memories, tomorrow we will look back at today.
Along the way, I've figured something out. Life has a way of putting us on the exact roads we need to be on. If we fight against it, and try to change that road, then we are absolutely miserable. The further off of our path that we travel, the worse our lives are. But, when we follow the path before us, we discover a kind of peace we haven't felt before. When we go down the correct roads, things just have a way of working out.
Once, a very very long time ago, while I was still in foster care, I had a choice to make. I really didn't know what to choose. I could stay in the foster care system, and be moved to yet another home; or I could leave the foster care system and make my own way. I wrestled for weeks with the choice that rest upon me.
I remember talking to Grandma Chandler about it. She knew how deep down, I was so very conflicted. She told me to listen to my heart because it would not lead me astray. My young heart was broken though. I had just been moved into this foster home after my previous one decided they didn't want me anymore. I was happy at this one. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was supposed to be there.
But the state decided I shouldn't be there because I wasn't the same ethnicity. What my heart really wanted was to stay right there. That wasn't a choice though. I wasn't going to go through that again, I had decided. So rather than be pulled out of the place I felt most at home, I chose to leave the foster care system entirely.
That choice, ultimately, was a very bad choice that led me way off of my path in life. And for a long time, I was miserable. For a VERY long time, I was miserable. I made many more bad choices over the next lifetime or so. And those choices led me further and further off of my path. Those choices put me into some very dangerous situations.
I don't know. Maybe I'm rambling just to ramble, or maybe there's a point to this somewhere. I look into my past, and I see a glimpse of the future. It's just a glimpse though, only fleeting. Like the word, or the nickname, that sits right on the tip of your tongue.
Tomorrow, we'll all look back upon today. We'll have those fleeting memories. We'll see the paths we took, versus the ones we could have taken. When tomorrow comes though, I hope that I can remember it is the paths that I took today, both the good choices and the bad ones, that will bring me my blessings tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment