The kindest gift

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, I loved a man. To say that I loved a man would be an understatement. It would be much more accurate to say that I was totally and completely emotionally consumed by another person.

My first husband and I had been split up for several months, and I was getting over a different relationship. I was behind the counter, working at Circle K. Nobody ever came in between certain hours so I had the radio blasting and I was moments away from singing very loudly and badly. He comes in, wearing his Pizza Hut uniform and just blew me away right then. I laughed and giggled like a little school girl.

The next several months were a whirlwind. We went from dating to living together in less time than it will take you to sneeze. I loved him, and I know that he loved me, too. I have had my fair share of loves in my life but this one was ... wow. That is the only way to explain it. Just wow. Passion and sensuality rolled into kindness and caring.

I didn't know it at the time but our relationship was much like fire and ice. Both bring out the most beautiful aspects of each other but at the same time, both destroy each other as well. He was a recovering addict. I suspect that he quit recovering. I had found a vial with old, used cotton inside of it and a syringe in his bag one day. I told myself that it was just a reminder of what he didn't want to go back to.

This was a great love, and like all great loves it had to come to a memorable end. An ex of his came back into the picture and he left. When he left it tore my world into pieces. I crashed. I went from on top of the world one moment to the depths of hell the next. I couldn't get back up. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not get back up.

I struggled for many years. I self destructed in more ways than I can count. Then, my husband showed up and I got to experience something just as deep and wonderful, but different all the same.

I've known for quite some time that Randall leaving was the best thing he could have done for me. Make no mistake. I'd have followed that man anywhere, and would have gone through hell and back just for him. I think he knew that. And I think he knew what it would I would be at the end of it all. He loved me. He loved me so deeply and wonderfully that he left me. How many people can say that they loved another so much, they left?

I have often wondered how he was doing. I've feared the worst many times. The last I had seen of him he was going down one of the worst paths anyone could travel. He is the reason why I am so dead set against drug use. I knew in my heart that only one of two things could happen.

Either he had gotten clean and was living a wonderful and fantastic life, or he was dead. There was no in between. It was one or the other.

A few days ago, I ran into an old co-worker of ours. She got me to thinking about the past and wondering again how he was doing. I decided to look on Facebook. And there he was.

Healthy.
Happy.
Loved.

He has a wife, and three children. He, like me, runs his own business and is doing what he loves. He is so very talented. He always was very talented! He is doing extremely well. Looking into the eyes of his picture, you can see a bit of his younger self mixed in with all of his saner self. He is clean.

And I can see from the image that his wife absolutely treasures him as well. She doesn't just like him, she absolutely adores him.

This is the best gift I could have received this holiday season. Just knowing that he is alive and well, clean and sober, and living a good life gives me the warm and fuzzies inside. I could reach out to him and say hello. I could, but I won't.

I love him and always will. Just as he loved me enough to walk away, I love him enough to stay gone. I will remember him fondly, and as I lay next to my husband, or throw socks at him from across the room, I will send a silent 'thank you' off to Randall for giving me this truly fantastic gift. If he hadn't left, I wouldn't have Thad and a good life with my family.