The depression monster attacks!

Sorry to get all weird on you guys like that, the past few days! As many of you know, (I make no secret of it) I live with depression. Depression itself is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, however, it can be triggered by certain events. Stress, disappointment, etc. So the reaction of a person that lives with depression is going to be a thousand times more overblown than the person that doesn't.

It really is an illness, and it's treated a variety of different ways. While many choose medications, I have never had positive experiences with that route. I choose diet and exercise. It's been very effective for many years but of course, I still have a slip every now and then just as everyone does.

This time, mine was triggered by financial crap. I didn't have as much income last month as I'd have liked, and couldn't spend as much as I wanted. The previous month, I had to borrow from my youngest to get groceries towards the end of the month. I had the overwhelming feeling of being unable to provide for my family and it reminded me of much, much darker times.

There was a time, many years ago, when electric was constantly cut off, couldn't keep phone service, we consistently faced the threat of eviction every month and at one point, we were homeless. I remember having no shoes for several years. No shoes, and no car. The hot Texas heat would turn roadways into tar beds and in the winter time, they were sheets of ice. Both were torturous to walk on.

And of course, with two kids and no car, life was not fun. We had to walk everywhere. You have no clue (I hope!) what it's like to walk for so many miles, that when you go into the grocery store, you're thankful for the cool tile beneath your feet to sooth those tired and hurting legs of yours. In the summer time, vegetables would wilt and our meat and dairy would spoil before we'd even get it home. That is how hot it was!

Someone local to me is reading this right now and a light bulb is going off in his or her head. Yes. That was me and my kids that you passed by every single day. A baby in the stroller, and a toddler either holding the stroller or on top of it, our groceries in the bottom basket and hanging off of the handles. That was me that you sneered at whenever I pulled out my food stamps card and it was me that you yelled at when you saw that I lived in subsidized housing. And that was me that you denied work to because I was a single mother, (yes, that actually happened several times!) or because I didn't have a car and would have to walk to work. (That happened, too!)

To be fair though, it was all of these types of things that motivated me to run my own business and create my own job. If I had to depend on the good people of the town I lived in to get a leg up, I'd still be living in poverty now. We all have to make our own opportunities.

I could go on and on telling you about having nothing but candle light, or peanut butter and potatoes for weeks on end but really, that isn't the point. I don't want to walk down memory lane; I just want to face down a trigger so that it isn't one in the future.

So when I found myself trying to force ends to meet, it sent me down a path of remembrance that I would much rather avoid. I am grateful for my entire life, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. My life is what made me the person that I am today but at the same time, I do not want to relive it those harsh times.

I made sure to eat a ton of what I call "summer vegetables" and some fruit yesterday. I forced myself to spend time out of the house, and made it to bed nice and early. I also put in some job applications with different places as well. After all, it does no good to try to treat the symptoms if you don't also tackle the initial problem, right? Today is a much brighter day.

I don't write about my depression for sympathy. I don't write about my past for either admiration or to throw a pity party. I write about it for three reasons.

1. It's how I process and deal with my current state of being. I write to acknowledge my current mindset, and to help motivate myself to reach for better.
2. I keep track of these things. Writing them down is how I keep track of it. Careful logging is a part of the process to healthy mental well-being.
3. Lastly, I'm not the only person with this illness. I show my struggles publicly because someone else is facing them privately. Nobody has to live in the dark. There is life outside of this illness. It is treatable. 

I have a family, run a business, and have many wild passions. (My kids, my critters, cooking, etc.) I don't have depression, and it doesn't have me. I live with it.